Imagine coming home and your son has destroyed all your hangers. I'd have an abortion at 200 months.
how does it feel to be the funniest person on the internet
have i told y’all the story about how crab dicks are directly responsible for me and my partner getting together
okay so you know how in Moana, the crab Tamatoa refers to himself as a decapod? means ten legs. but he’s only got 8 legs visible. where the fuck is his last pair, thought me, kip edgebug.
now, tamatoa is a coconut crab. the last pair of legs—the legs not on tamatoa—are called the fifth pereiopods. no further information was available on Wikipedia or anywhere else. no information as to why those legs would be hidden on tamatoa. bizarre, thought me, kip edgebug. also conspicuously absent was information on coconut crab reproduction, which would be useful if someone wanted to, say, write completely anatomically accurate disney-themed crab porn.
so obviously the next step was to go scholarly. i spent maybe four or five hours that evening researching coconut crabs on various difficult to navigate academic sites. turns out there’s not a lot of public information on coconut crabs, probably because nobody wants to get close enough to a coconut crab to find out intimate info on them. i made a jstor account to access things not available to the masses.
and finally i uncovered it. the answers to both questions. I uncovered the method of coconut crab boning and the reason why tamatoa’s fifth pair of legs are invisible all in one fell swoop.
the fifth pereiopods, my friends, (get ready for this) are BANG LEGS, used for HOLDING ON to MATES during CRAB BANGING. that’s it. that’s why disney didn’t show them. because they’re DIRTY and SEXUAL LEGS. yknow, on a CRAB.
but kip edgebug, you cry, what does this have to do with getting together with your partner?
so on the particular dating site i was on, there was a prompt on user profiles that said “what do you spend a lot of time thinking about?” naturally i put “the reproductive habits of coconut crabs”, because, well. the next prompt was “what is the most embarrassing thing you’re willing to admit?” to which my answer was “did you read the thing about the coconut crabs?”
my sweetie messaged me specifically because of those answers, god help her, and i relayed the info i uncovered, and we hit it off from there
and that’s the story of how crab dicks are directly responsible for me and my partner getting together
Update im asking her to marry me tomorrow
Crab dick got me a fiancée
Oh this is my kind of love story
So imagine a DnD character who's whole motivation is 'X guy killed my parents and I need to find them' and the party just thinks 'ok, revenge quest, that's normal'
But when they finally find the guy the person with dead parents is just like "Hey buddy, long time no see. It's a shame we got separated, here's some money" and they're super chill.
The party is just confused and goes "Wait, why are you giving him gold?"
The guy just goes "Cause I owe him money?"
The party "But he killed your parents???"
"That's why I owe him money!"
Hello white mutuals. Before you is a charcuterie board with 15 different types of cheese. If you manage to go 12 hours without touching the cheeses you can leave this room. Good luck.
I was eating off this cool cheese plate while you were talking can you repeat that pls
I’m Brazilian and my strongest memory relating to a roundabout was when me and my family were walking near my grandparent’s house. My little brother asked what the circle in the ground was and my dad explained the concept of a roundabout, “you’re supposed to go around it, so the road is more organized, look, there’s a car coming, you’ll see how it works” and that car just. Fucking ran over it. Dude just went forward like the road was straight. We never saw anyone do that again and I’m still not over it
do you think they know how much they contributed to online literacy? to the spirit of curiousity? to the idea of doing research yourself instead of always having it laid out in front of you?
My brother's girlfriend had HPV, so he went to get himself the HPV vaccine. There is a fee to pay (nothing much, something like €87) but it's completely free if you're in one of the "at risk" groups.
"What does that mean," he asks.
"It's free if you're gay," he's told.
"Ah. Would I have to like, prove it, or...?"
"Just put in a check mark here."
My brother is in no way, shape or form attracted to men, but also he's stingy as it gets. So now he's officially gay. Congrats bro.
"Doctor, give it to me straight"
"You sure, there's a fee"
"… Give it to me gay"
AGAB (Assigned Gay At Billing)
Fascinated by the fact that his first question was about if he'd have to prove it. I wanna know how far that man would go to save less than a dollar
Sorry, do you think 87 euros is less than a dollar
via reddit.com
so you’re telling me that “stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni” would be like saying “wrote a G on his belt and called it gucci”
that’s…a pretty good analogy actually
US moron came to town
Hunting for some coochie
Wrote a G up on his belt
And this bitch called it Gucci
Seeing my notifications get flooded with this every July 4th is the only thing I respect about America
puuukey
